Anxieties of a New Mom

It's finally here...the end of my maternity leave. I am down to only one full week before I go back to teaching full-time. First, let me get one thing straight -- I am confident that the Lord has given me a heart and a passion for high school students and for the role I play as a teacher in helping shape both their minds and futures. Those of you who have had conversations with me also know that I absolutely adore my job. It's my mission field. It's what God designed me for. He has made this so strikingly clear to me in countless ways, countless times. I know God made me a teacher. But God also created me to be a mom.

My sweet little son turned 12 weeks old this past Wednesday. Seriously? Where did these past 12 weeks go??? It seems like yesterday I was holding his sweet little body for the first time in the cold hospital room, desperately trying to figure out breast-feeding and how to change a diaper with a sore circumcision, and wondering how in the world my body would ever heal from something so painful. I remember looking at my little miracle, and tearing up just at the site of his perfect little fists and ears, wondering how anyone could look at a newborn baby and not believe that there was an Almighty Creator that had designed this little bundle to perfection. But it wasn't yesterday. It was nearly three months ago. And after three months of waking up at my leisure and spending all day with my precious boy, I now face the unknown of being a working mommy.

Those of you who are not mothers probably think I am crazy when I say I  bawl every time I think about leaving Ellis for a workday. I trust my babysitters with my LIFE, but the thought of not spending the day with my boy brings on a sadness only a mother can understand. By spending so much time together, I have gotten to bond with this child and experience so many "firsts" -- his first smile, his first laugh, his first coos. I see him smile when I wake him up from a nap. I have learned what his cries mean. He knows me, and it shows. I can't help but thinking that the first morning I leave him, he will in his small, developing mind think that I am abandoning him. How do you explain to a three month old that you will be back in a few hours? You don't. You can't. You simply have to suck it up, cry a little, and pray for the day to go quickly.

My husband keeps "reassuring" me that women have been doing this for hundreds of years, and I know he means well, but I find no comfort in those words. Other women may have done it, but I haven't. I have never had to leave Ellis for a whole day. And the thought of it is downright heartbreaking.

Let me say again that I LOVE my job. And I really do feel that this is what I am called to do with my life. My heart is the heart of a teacher, but also the heart of a mommy. I know this is not one of my most profound posts, but getting my anxieties out in words helps me not feel so muddled up inside. I'm thankful God has placed me in the classroom, and I am looking forward to what this year brings. Please pray for my emotional strength as I prepare to leave being a full-time mom and transition back into the education world. Pray for balance and clarity and focus so that I may raise Ellis in the Word, nourishing him with love and truth and attention, but also pray that I may shower love and truth and affection on the students that pass through my classroom. Jesus, help me to mirror You for both my child and my classroom.

One Year Later....

Wow...over a year has past since my last post. SO MUCH has happened since then. As I reread my last post, I had to stop and smile to myself. While remembering one reason that had brought on all my frustration, I looked at the date of my post -- April 14. This was just 8 days before God answered a prayer that I had been praying for soooo looooong. 8 days after my last post, I went to the Bluegate restaurant in Shipshewana, Indiana....and my life was forever changed. My life was not changed because of the great Amish food for which the Bluegate is known, but rather by WHO was with me at the restaurant. My accompaniment...ok, ok, date...was none other than Justin Blotkamp, a man from (get this!) my hometown of Kimmell. For those of you who have never been to Kimmell, it's really not that big, and I am kind of shocked when I don't know someone that lives there, but it indeed happened.

One year later, Justin is still such a blessing to my life. He encourages me to be the woman I should be in the Lord. He is the leader of our relationship in every way, and is my constant comfort and encouragement. I can honestly say that I have never loved any man more. Yes, I said love. This is serious. :) The Lord has answered so many prayers with Justin. One that makes my stomach go all crazy with butterflies is one that I want to share with anyone who actually still reads these blogs....

When I was 4 years old, I was adopted by my mom's new husband (an entirely different story.) My name changed legally from "Brittany Victoria Hough" to "Brittany Victoria Replogle." Many would not notice this, but my new name has 8  letters in each part. As a small child, this was important. My name was "even" -- perfect. The even-ness of my name signified that I was wanted - needed - loved. When I would play "pretend," I realized something -- someday my name would change for real, and most likely my new name would not have 8 letters. A small piece of me never wanted to get married. I didn't want to lose something that was so important to my small heart. When I started dating boys in late middle school, I would always count the letters in their last names to see if their names fit. This was a ritual that I repeated all throughout my high school years, but was never fulfilled. I decided this was a silly notion and forgot about it until late into my junior year of college.....

In mid-April of my senior year, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Cheryl Mast, asking if I knew who Justin Blotkamp was. I had no idea what the meaning of the text was, but I assumed that it was a dating set-up. Without even thinking, I counted the letters in his last name -- a perfect 8. Before I even met this man, I knew he was going to be special, and I was so much more than right!

I guess my reason behind sharing this with you is to encourage you that we serve a God that always has our best interests at heart, and longs to gives us the desires of our soul (even the small ones!) When you feel like you are so frustrated you can't go on, just remember that a blessing could be as close as 8 days away! (or sooner :) )

God Bless, and Keep Trusting :)
Rep

Thanks for the Memories...But it's a big new world out there.

Time is a funny thing, you know. No matter how many times you want time to speed up or slow down, it seems to do the exact opposite. Another downright frustrating thing about time is that you cannot predict what it will bring. You can look back, and you can experience the moment, but never can you discern what is to happen tomorrow. I am entering my last few weeks as a college student. I have had many times the past few weeks to reminisce on what crazy, incredible, stupid, and ridiculous things I did to pass time here at Bethel. Some of these memories have brought laughter (and lots of it), and some have brought tears. I have been both blessed and cursed by the memories of the past four years, and the funny thing about all this reminiscing is that as a freshman four years ago, I never would have guessed I would be on other side of things, remembering instead of living.

I honestly thought I would be in college forever. Four years seemed like an eternity. I was scared to death to come to college and have to make new friends, and many times I was convinced I would never succeed in making many solid friendships, at least like the ones I was used to growing up. Now here I am, a graduating senior, devastated that I have to leave so many wonderful people, that have made such an impact on my life. It's hard to hear people talk about "next year" and what all wonders are going to take place and know that I will no longer be here, and that Bethel College will carry on like I was never here. That's where God steps in.

I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Brittany," a voice whispers. "Stop being afraid. You think the past four years have been great? Just wait till you see what is next. This was just the preparation." What a promise in the midst of my very frequent freak out sessions of becoming an adult and leaving the comfort of the Bubble. The beauty of being a child of God is that the adventure doesn't stop with college. In fact, I would argue that it does not fully begin to bear fruit until AFTER college. So even though these have been some of the best years of my life, I can rest assured that as long as I am walking hand-in-hand with the Almighty, my life is about to change in an incredible, unfathomable, unpredictable, and beautiful way. Move over, Bethel College, my life is about to begin :)

Cliche and Overlooked.

I know that November usually brings an overboard, obsessive emphasis on the idea of Thanks-giving and being thankful. And that is not the motivation behind this post. This past week I was blessed, challenged, and convicted much more than I had anticipated. On Wednesday we were so privileged to have the Children of the World Choir in chapel performing for us. This choir was made up of children from Uganda, Nepal, and the Philippines who were orphaned or underprivileged. They had cute little songs and cute little dances to go along, drawing out many "oohs and ahhhs" from the congregation. But even though their little dances were "so cute," there was a specific time in the service where instead of the simple "oh-ah" response, a deep stirring arose in the depths of my soul. The kids invited us all to stand with them and sing along as they sang "Revelation Song." This was the only song that did not have a choreography for, and as we all stood there singing to the same God despite our age, culture, and situational differences, these precious, precious children were closing their eyes and raising their hands to God in innocent, perfect praise. These children, who were raising awareness for the dire need for clean water in their home villages, who stood before us with needs that we Americans cannot even fathom, were PRAISING. Tears welled up in my eyes as I guiltily thought about how many times I complain about the dumbest, most insignificant junk that is in my life. Compared to us these children have nothing, yet it is they who are able to surrender everything and be one with Christ.

So many times we get so caught up in the noise that is this life. I'm as guilty as anyone, if not more so. I get by on my "busy-ness" and have no time to just allow myself to praise God in the little things he provides as evidence that He is Love. He is Good. He is intimately concerned with my well-being. As I tried to contain the tears as I listened to those sweet, young voices sing praise to OUR God, I caught a glimpse of what God wants my, as well as your, spirits to be like. There is a reason Jesus said "let the children come to me." Our praise, our faithfulness, and our pursuit of Christ should be with the innocence and enthusiasm of a child.

God grant us the strength to humble ourselves to be CHILDREN of the Kingdom, rather than trying to be the leaders. Your will. Not ours.

Be blessed. And be thankful.

"When lies become the truth, that's when I run to you." -Lady Antebellum

Think about it. How often do we as Christians let the lies of Satan become the Truth we define our lives by? I know I'm as guilty as anyone, if not more. I have found that the older I get, and the busier I get, the louder the lies become, and the more believable they become. I get a bad grade, and I automatically believe that I'm dumb or stupid -- incapable of academic success. I don't have a boyfriend or get "asked out" and I am automatically not pretty enough, or unworthy. WHY DO I DO THIS? Why do I allow myself to rest in the lies? Why do I not realize that these thoughts of inadequacy are not of God by any means, but of God's eternal sworn enemy? I live and breathe and MOPE in the LIES of Satan, making myself an easy target for the enemy to gain a foothold in my life. Think about it. If you allow yourself to believe the lies, you eventually crash, rather in anger or depression, and find yourself in a dark place where you can't see God.

So what do we do about this? HOW do we live above the lies of Satan? I wish there was an easy, cut and dry formula that simply says do this and all your troubles will be no more. It's not that simple. As Christians we are in a battle. A daily battle for our hearts. The harder we search after Christ, the harder the devil will try to pull us away, plain and simple. We have to work at this thing called Christianity. And if we succeed, we will have a reward that will be worth more than any words can say.

The best advice I can offer to conquer this battle of lies v. truth is to dive into the word. God didn't just think, "oh I think I will have people write a book today." He had the Word written for our benefit, to help us conquer the doubt and lies that are directly from the Evil One. When Satan whispers lies into your ear, and they start to sound like truth, run to the Father. Dive into the Word. Search for the truth. The Truth that trumps the lies and brings peace and freedom. It's not always easy, but it's so worth it. God is Love. God is Encouragement. God is Freedom. Are you letting Him be???

"I love you with an everlasting love. So I will continue to show you my kindness." ~Jeremiah 31:3

Surrendered to Your Name

I don't feel I need to add to the words of this song. They speak in and of themselves. Feel free to youtube it..it's beautiful.

Hillsong United -- Arms Open Wide
Take my life, I lay it down
At the cross, where I am found.
All I have I give to you, Oh God.
Take my hands and make them clean
Keep my heart in purity, that I may walk in
All you have for me.

Chorus:
Ohhh here I stand, arms open wide
Ohhh I am Yours, and You are mine.
Jesus.

Take my moments and my days
Let each breath that I take
Be every only for You, Oh God
Chorus

Bridge:

My whole life is Yours, I give it all

Surrendered to Your name

And forever I pray have Your way

Lord have Your way!! (repeat)


If that's not challenging, I don't know what is. :) Be Blessed.

Lookin' UP!!!

Overall, this week has made me stressed, exhausted, cranky, confused, busy, and sore. Sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in my responsibilities. I can't get a grip on everything I need to get done. I'm unmotivated. Lazy. I feel out of touch with school. Home. God. As I lay here on my couch, pile of homework on the floor, dirty laundry in a basket, and agenda full of duties I should have done 3 days ago, squandering in my failure to accomplish everything, Jesus meets me. He meets me in the unexpected....He meets me in a surprisingly warm day. A game of HORSE. A new friend. A good song that stays in your head all day.

If I have learned anything in my college career, it's that no matter how sad.mad.hurt.depressed.alone.happy.peaceful.frustrated.broken I feel, God is there. Because God is not a feeling. And he doesn't not draw near to us because of how we are feeling. He walks with us. He hurts with us. He laughs with us. He IS with us. 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. And all the time in between.

So in your times of confusion, as you enter mid-terms and the heat of the semester, rather than looking at the massive amount of things that seem impossible to accomplish, look up. Look up because you have a great, big God smiling back down at you.